Inside of me there is a great sorrow. Like that one after a loss of something you hold dear or someone you love. The feeling reawakens at certain moments, however most often when I am alone and have the time to think. Feel. Remember. And it is when I remember that my heart feels heavy and my eyes wet. Tears run down my cheeks, some of them get caught in my beard while others drip into my lap.
The music I am listening to plays the right strings and tones. It makes me remember everything as clearly as if I was just experiencing these particular memories. And at exactly that moment, I truly feel what I have lost. What I am missing. What makes me sometimes feel lost but at the same time strong. It is you I am missing. Because of you my heart aches, my tears flow. Why I feel sad when I just want you here, to confide in, hold, watch, talk, laugh or cry with. Those things other takes for granted.
When you disappeared as suddenly as the light of a blown out candle, it felt as when a cheerful song end and you find yourself in a dark unknown place. All there is left is this empty silence which comes closer, filling you with a terrifying cry and horror, wishing you could bang your head against a rock-hard wall splitting your head open cause this would feel much less than the actual pain of losing you.
What is more. I am happy. The loss of you two have made me realize, life really is too short to do things you don’t want. Live in the presence, do your hearts bidding and love every day. Cause tomorrow it might be too late. And know that for each day that pass I love you even more.
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Sunday, November 16, 2008 at 3:46pm Posted in personal
A year ago. Everything was so different.
The world was probably the same as today. My friends and family are still what they used to be. Rock solid and the greatest. But everything with me, was so different. You might haven’t noticed anything, so you ask yourself where this big change is?
Inside of me. I couldn’t be any more different than I was a year ago. Sometimes I looked into a mirror and saw something. These dead green eyes. My, dead green eyes. Without flare, without hope. My lips they just lied instantly. “Smile.”
My eyes never lie as long as you look clearly into them. They never have. They can tell you deep down whether I’m happy, sad, tired, angry, terrified, mischievous or thinking of something else. They can tell you if I love, hate or despise you. A year ago they were barely alive.
Today they can blaze with the fiercest light at injustice and in an instant my lips get tighter and my nails clenching into my palms. My breathing getting heavier, I can almost breathe fire.
Today I can take you into my arms, hold you so near me as no one ever been and just get filled up by you, your sweetness, love and feelings toward me and the universe. I can just close my now soaking eyes and smile.
A year ago I smiled in order to live. Today, I live in order to smile for just one more day.
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Klicka på play.
Lyssna på melodin som nu ringer i dina öron. Hör stämningen, känn efter med hela din kropp men bli för all del inte ledsen eller melankolisk. Visst, melodin kan betyda många saker men nu ikväll, denna kväll, ska du lyssna på den och det du hör är mystik, spänning och en gåva om att inte känna till morgondagen. Den bringar hopp om att livet inte enbart behöver vara ett slentrianmässigt stadie. Utan livet är det vackraste vi har. Det mest värdefulla och det blir verkligen inte mer än vad vi gör det till.
Föreställ dig följande. Dagen har bara för några timmar sedan släckts och nu finns inga spår efter en ny morgon. Luften är varm men du svettas inte, luften är samtidigt svalkande när du andas in – och ut.. Du blundar och tar djupa andetag. Bakom dina ögonlock ser du nånting vackert, du ser en person, en händelse som betytt mycket för dig och människor du saknar. Plötsligt fylls du utav känslor du inte riktigt kan förstå, de är så många på en gång. Men du känner igen en tomhet, sorg, en förlust. En tår rinner från dina nu fuktiga bildtolkar.
I nästa djupa andetag kan du känna hur din puls lugnar ned sig, dina axlar sjunker och du behöver inte längre tänka på att hålla dina ögonlock stängda, de är det iallafall. Du slappnar av och plötsligt känner du igen en till känsla – det är glädjen som sprudlar inom dig även om du ibland håller den gömd för dig själv. Tankar flödar nu fritt och du är inte längre ensam på det mörka stället under den stjärnlösa himlen i en storstad.
Du är på ett av dina favoritställen i världen, en strand, en restaurang, i ditt eller ert hem, kanske till och med i din kärleks famn? Din sorg blandas med den ofattbara glädjen du känner inom dig. Nästa tår faller inte på grund av sorg, utan av lycka. Du är så lycklig. Kanske inte alltid men innerst inne även om du ofta känner dig trasig som en oälskad porslinsdocka. Hitta lyckan, känn den. Föreställ dig vad som gör dig lycklig och varför du förtjänar att få le var dag du har kvar att leva.
Koppla lyckan till en bild, en sång eller ett citat. Skapa dig en genväg till lyckan. Om du känner dig ledsen vissa dagar så kan du lätt hitta tillbaka till den. Låt dig uppfyllas med varje andetag av den här kittlande känslan, låt den hitta sin väg till varje kroppsdel så du nästan får svårt att hålla dig för skratt. Fokusera på din genväg till lyckan.
Öppna nu ögonen. Jag sitter precis bredvid dig och ler mitt stora leende. Har kollat på dig under hela tiden du haft dina ögon slutna. Faktum är att du är aldrig ensam även om du tror det. Försök minnas genvägen till din helt egna lycka.
Kom ihåg att skratta när du är glad eller känner dig sprallig. Det är bara din kropp, själ och livet som påminner dig om varför vi lever. För att få vara glada och lyckliga.
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Thursday, September 25, 2008 at 4:38pm Posted in 08 australia
… won’t pass you. That’s what Marie, an irish girl, just told me during lunch. We’ve known each other for three weeks now, she was one of the “crazy” girls I told you about in the beginning of my journey. One more thing she told me was that she had never ever met anyone like me.
Especially not a guy. Someone who is so in touch with himself, insightful, happy, deep and understanding at the same time not a pussy or boring. You can’t even imagine how happy I felt just by hearing these words. One thing that makes it even better, is that was the second time I heard it today.
People often call me crazy and I take that as a complimant. Life is much more interesting from the crazy side of life. I feel much better trying not to take everything too serious and try to relax some. What happen will happen, you cant decide what happens in life no matter what. Only thing you can do is to tweak the circumstances but nothing more.
And why should you feel like crap in advance because “something might happen”? One of my mottos are: “I’m happy in advance – the worst that can happen is that I’ve been unreasonably happy.”
There’s not much happening here in Brisbane right now so I am (and maybe Martin) going to Byron Bay for a week on saturday before Jenny comes here. Might work a bit on my sun tan. 
If you are feeling a bit adventurous or crazy, try giving someone you don’t know a compliment. For example, last saturday when we were out clubbing a girl walks up to Sara and tells her that she has very pretty ear rings. So they chatted for a while and then said good bye.
Try – and feel how good it feels, as though it might be a bit awkward. But hey, are you going to meet this person again? Probably not. So give it a shot. The worst that can happen is that someone feels pretty or satisfied with him- or herself.
Hugs and kisses
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Saturday, September 13, 2008 at 1:09pm Posted in words
Press play and when the music starts begin to read
Sitting at the dinner table
A burger and chips ready
Laughing friends around me
Everything is as it should be
But just can’t stop thinking of you
Your life is not as it ought to be
It have followed you a long distance
Now it’s just right behind you
And I know what you are afraid of
Losing yourself in everything
Like a forgotten heartbeat or
When you take one too many steps in the stairs
It feels strange, you feel different
Or like that you are falling
But you have nothing to worry about
If you fall, know that I’ll be there
I will catch you in my arms
Might cry and not make my happy face
But I am strong and I’ll carry you home
Or to a place that feels safe
There are times when we all feel broken
Like shattered glass spread all over
Overrun by everyone and everything
We all get worn, dirty, used
No, none of us is like new
But tomorrow is a new day
It’s time for all the things that didn’t happen today
Tomorrow always gives us a new chance
To do what feels good and right
No worries my dear friend, everything will be alright
Text and Photo by Me
Music by Christopher O’Riley (Radiohead cover)
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